


Silence

by Kkane88



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:15:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23841358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kkane88/pseuds/Kkane88
Summary: Jamie and Tyler hook up. They know it's a bad idea. They can't stop.
Relationships: Jamie Benn/Tyler Seguin
Comments: 4
Kudos: 130





	Silence

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on tumblr:  
> [kkane88](https://kkane88.tumblr.com/)  
> [kwriteshockey](https://kwriteshockey.tumblr.com//)

Tyler can't sit still, his skin buzzing and making him feel like he's going to vibrate out of his own _body_. He finally, _finally_ ended his scoreless streak and he's proving himself and he really feels like things are going to just get better from here. The anticipation is almost killing him; it feels like everything's moving too slow around him and he just needs to _go_ , like if he doesn't move he's going to _scream_. He goes for a run with the dogs, hoping to burn off some of the excess energy, but it doesn't help the itching under his skin. Normally he would go out and drink, maybe find someone to take home, but it's barely even noon and Tyler is trying to be more of an adult, here. Day drinking in the middle of the week probably isn't the best idea.

He decides to go to visit Jamie, hoping they can figure out something to do that will settle him down.

"Hey, Seggy," Jamie says when he opens the door, stepping aside to let Tyler in. He doesn't seem at all surprised to see him.

"I'm going _crazy_!" Tyler says, bustling past him. "Entertain me, Jameson, before I pull my hair out."

"Wouldn't want that," Jamie says dryly, closing the door behind them. Tyler heads straight for the hall closet, pulling out two sticks and a small rubber ball.

"I would not look good bald. Street hockey?" he asks hopefully. Jamie sighs heavily and rolls his eyes, but Tyler sees the way his mouth curves up and he knows he's won. "Yes!" he crows, turning and heading to the backyard, where he knows the goals are still set up on the large back deck. Jamie follows silently, takes the stick when Tyler thrusts it at him, and gets into position with all the longsuffering fondness that Tyler expects from his best friend.

"Look, Jame, all you gotta do is wear me out a little and I'll get out of your hair," Tyler says, a little softer. He doesn't actually want to bother Jamie, but there's no one else he really wants to be around right now. He knows Jamie won't judge him, but he also knows Jamie would never turn him away even if he really wasn't in the mood to entertain Tyler.

"You know I don't mind, Ty," Jamie says, letting a smile slip onto his face. "But I'm not gonna let you win."

"Bring it on!" Tyler shouts as they line up for the faceoff. He lets himself get lost in the familiarity of the game, in the way Jamie fights him _just enough_ to wear him out without pushing him too hard, the stretch of his muscles and the blood pumping beneath his skin. Jamie scores and he cellies and he gloats and before he realizes what he's doing, Tyler's launching himself at Jamie and wrestles him to the ground. Jamie's bigger than him, but Tyler has the element of surprise on his side, and Jamie hits the grass with a thud.

They're both laughing as they fight each other for the upper hand, using knees and elbows to get enough wiggle room to shove the other off or under. And then Jamie manages to get his knees around Tyler's hips, using his bulk to flip them over so he's on top as he pins Tyler's wrists to the grass. They're both breathing heavily, grinning at each other and high on adrenaline, and Tyler realizes with an embarrassed jolt that he's hard in his pants. Jamie seems to realize it at the same time, his smile faltering and his eyes darkening.

Then, to Tyler's complete shock, Jamie rolls his hips down and Tyler can feel that Jamie's just as hard as he is. He holds eye contact with Jamie and very deliberately licks his lips, feeling a jolt of satisfaction when Jamie groans. Then slowly, like he's waiting for Tyler to stop him, Jamie leans down and captures Tyler's lips with his own. Tyler goes boneless and he's surprised at himself. He doesn't normally submit this easily to _anyone_ , but something about Jamie's firm but gentle grip on his wrists is really doing it for him, and Jamie's weight settling more firmly on top of him has Tyler moaning as he licks into Jamie's mouth.

It's a bit of a blur after that. Jamie lets go of his hands, only to slip them beneath Tyler's shirt, and Tyler _has_ to get his hands in Jamie's hair and then he's pulling Jamie's shirt over his head and there's so much _skin_ in front of him and it's nothing he hasn't seen before but this is _different_ and how did he never _realize_ how much he wanted to see Jamie like this? He pulls Jamie's mouth back down to his and Jamie unzips his own pants, and then Tyler's and they're _in Jamie's back yard_.

"Wait," he mumbles, turning his head to break the kiss. "Jamie we're _outside._ What if someone sees?"

"Privacy fence," Jamie grunts back, hand poised just at the line of Tyler's underwear. "It's a big yard. No one will see."

"You're sure?" Tyler may be a bit of a thot, but he's not ready to have this moment splashed across the internet. He can't let that happen to Jamie.

But Jamie says, "I'm sure," with so much conviction that Tyler can't help but believe him. He pulls Jamie's mouth back down to his and doesn't protest when Jamie's fingers dip just inside his waistband, groans when he pulls Tyler out of his boxers, holds both of them together in one fist and starts stroking. Tyler's been on edge all day and it doesn't take long before he's coming, painting stripes across his own stomach and Jamie's hand.

Jamie follows him just a few strokes later, after Tyler moans his name so filthily that he even makes himself flush. And then Jamie sprawls out on the grass next to him, their breaths slowing, the mess cooling on Tyler's stomach. He can't bring himself to care. He can't remember the last time he was this wrecked just from someone's hand.

"So, uh…" Jamie starts. Tyler turns his head to look at him, but Jamie's staring resolutely at the sky. "That… probably shouldn't have happened."

"Probably not," Tyler agrees, and he _means it_. Sure, he's always known Jamie's hot as fuck, but he's never examined his feelings any deeper than that. Jamie's his captain, and his teammate, and his best friend. It would be completely stupid to get involved. "I should shower."

"Yeah," Jamie says, still not looking at him. Tyler heaves himself off the ground and goes inside, heading straight for the bathroom. After his shower, he sees no sign of Jamie anywhere in the house or out back and he figures that's his cue to leave. Whatever that moment was, hopefully tomorrow they can pretend it never happened, and Tyler can deal with his revelation that he _wants_ Jamie privately.

No matter what, it's not going to happen again.

~

It happens again.

Of course it happens again.

It's barely even a week later and Tyler's mostly been able to push the incident out of his mind. Despite the lingering looks the two of them share now, they keep their hands to themselves. No one has noticed anything different, and they've even mostly gone back to normal.

Until one night after they beat the Blues 5-0 in a game that leaves the entire team buzzing with the victory. They go out to celebrate and as he has more and more drinks thrust into his hands, Tyler has a harder and harder time tearing his eyes away from the way Jamie's shirt clings to his skin, or the way he sits with his legs splayed like he's just _inviting_ Tyler to slip into the space.

Tyler _wants_.

And then he blinks and they're back at his place, Jamie under him on the bed, making out like horny teenagers. Tyler can't help but giggle against his lips and Jamie grins up at him before he flips them over and starts stripping Tyler one piece of clothing at a time. Tyler returns the favor until he's able to get his hands _all over_ Jamie's skin, and when he shoves Jamie down and settles between his knees, Jamie's hands come up to grip him by the hair and Tyler _groans_.

When he finally, _finally_ gets his mouth on Jamie, he suddenly realizes just how much he's thought about this moment. Back when Jamie was shy and quiet, before he got his tattoos and his confidence, Tyler had wanted this- wanted to take Jamie apart with nothing but his mouth, peering up at him while he takes Jamie's dick down his throat, letting Jamie come on his face, stroking himself off while he does it just from sheer _satisfaction_ that he was able to make Jamie feel so good.

The next time, Jamie blows him.

The time after that, Jamie fucks him.

And then it becomes sort of a routine. At least once a week, Jamie will give Tyler that _look_ and he'll follow Tyler home, and Tyler will let him, craving Jamie's touch and his mouth and his attention.

No one notices. It feels like it's written on his face every time he looks at Jamie, the way their relationship is changing, but no one notices. Part of him wants to scream it from the rooftops, tell everyone that Jamie _wants_ him and _look_ Jamie thinks he's _good enough_ , that Tyler can give him what he _needs_.

No one can know. He's falling in love with his best friend and no one can know. And someday Jamie will meet a girl and he'll fall in love with her and he'll look at Tyler and say _no more_ and Tyler will have to walk away because that's what Jamie wants and Tyler will never be able to _not_ give Jamie what he wants.

Tyler isn't what he wants.

The next time they have sex, they're in Tyler's bed and he has to keep his back to Jamie while Jamie fucks him- can't let him see the tears when he kisses Tyler's shoulder blades or the way he has to bite back sobs when Jamie tells him how good it feels and how much he loves this.

And when it's over and Jamie pulls out and cleans up, Tyler stays face down on the bed, not letting Jamie see him as he gets dressed. He doesn't stay. He never stays. Tyler pretends to be asleep when Jamie walks toward the door, ignoring his whispered _goodnight, Ty_.

As soon as he's gone, Tyler's out of bed and in the shower, scrubbing the feeling of Jamie's hands off of his skin. He doesn't deserve to have this. Jamie _doesn't know_ , thinks this is just casual, doesn't understand that he's giving more to Tyler than he means to. Tyler's using him.

And then he's standing in front of the bathroom mirror, forcing his eyes up to look himself in the face like it isn't the hardest thing to do, letting loose the sobs that he's been choking back all night. He wraps his arms around himself, like he can hold himself together.

"Hey, I forgot my-" Jamie breaks off, appearing behind Tyler in the doorway. Tyler freezes. He never wanted Jamie to see him falling apart like this and now Jamie's going to realize what a mess he is and he's going to lose him before he was _ready_ and _now what does he do_? "Ty? What's going on?" Jamie's voice is soft and soothing and he reaches out a hand like he's going to put it on Tyler's shoulder. He drops it when Tyler flinches.

He can't make his voice work, opens his mouth to tell Jamie he's fine and to go home and finds his vocal cords in a vice grip. Jamie takes a hesitant step forward and Tyler doesn't stop him. He reaches out and guides Tyler around to face him, but Tyler keeps his eyes averted. He doesn't want to see pity or anger or whatever it is that's in Jamie's eyes.

"Can I hug you?" he asks. Tyler bites his lip hard, stopping whatever needy sound was about to come out of his mouth, and nods. Jamie _wants to hold him_. And then Jamie's arms are around him and Tyler deflates, buries his face against Jamie's shoulder and feels himself come apart at the seams.

He lets himself cry at the thought of losing Jamie, of Jamie not loving him, of having to hide who he is, who _they_ are, of the team finding out, how the media would react. He mourns the loss of something that was never his to begin with- something he could never have.

He doesn't know how long he stands there, crying into Jamie's shirt, but when he pulls himself together enough to step away his legs and back groan in protest. Jamie doesn't let go of him, keeps both hands on Tyler like he's afraid Tyler's going to bolt, or like he's trying to hold Tyler together with his bare hands. Tyler's not sure which. All he knows is he's _exhausted,_ swaying on his feet like the effort of standing up is too much.

"Let's go to bed, eh?" Jamie says softly, more of a command than a suggestion. Tyler nods and follows when Jamie plants a hand on the small of his back and leads him to the bed. Jamie holds the blankets up while Tyler climbs in and then he tucks them back in around him. He's halfway to sleep before he hears a rustling and peeks an eye open to see what it is.

"What are you doing?" he asks, alarmed to see Jamie stripping down to his boxers.

"I'm not gonna sleep in my clothes, Ty," Jamie says like it's the most obvious thing in the world.

"You're staying?" Jamie doesn't answer. "But… you never stay." His voice is weak and if he wasn't so tired, he would be embarrassed. Jamie just looks at him, unbearably sad.

"If you think I’m going to leave you alone after what I just saw, you don’t know me at all," Jamie says, quiet but fierce, climbing into the bed behind Tyler. He loops an arm around Tyler's waist and spoons up behind him. "Whatever that was… we need to talk about it, but not when you're dead on your feet. Tomorrow."

Tyler doesn't say anything else. There's nothing _to_ say. He falls asleep with a pit in his stomach and the foreboding feeling that everything is about to come crashing down around him.

~

He wakes up the next morning to an empty bed, but with the smell of food wafting in from the kitchen. He doesn't move. He's not ready for this. Footsteps pad down the hall toward him and then Jamie's in the doorway, meeting Tyler's eyes with a soft expression.

"Want me to bring your breakfast in here?" Jamie asks. Tyler shakes his head and forces himself to sit up. Jamie's just _watching_ him, making Tyler fumble with the clothes he's pulling on- a pair of thick sweatpants and the largest sweatshirt he can find, hoping the clothes will make him feel a little less vulnerable. He doesn't realize until he's following Jamie to the kitchen that the sweatshirt is Jamie's. It's too late to go back and change now, so he just pretends he doesn't notice. He won't admit even to himself that it makes him feel safer to be wearing Jamie's clothes.

They sit at the dining room table, Jamie directly across from him. Tyler keeps his eyes on his plate as they eat in silence, the food like ash in his mouth, his hands shaking so bad that he almost can't hold the fork. He manages to get it all down though, knowing Jamie won't be satisfied until the food is gone. When they're done Jamie clears the plates away and then comes back with some water that he places in front of Tyler.

"What was that last night, Ty?" Jamie asks after an almost unbearable silence. Tyler opens his mouth. Closes it. His hands grip his thighs hard. Jamie just _sits there_ , face open and understanding, and Tyler realizes with a jolt that that's his _Captain face_.

"Stop fucking looking at me like that," he grits out. Jamie's brow furrows in confusion.

"Like what?"

"Like you're my fucking captain." _Like you're_ only _my captain_ , he wants to say. He has to look away.

"Segs, I am your-" Tyler's on his feet before Jamie can finish that sentence, turning and stalking towards his bedroom. Jamie catches up to him, grabbing his arm and spinning him around. "Tyler, I don't understand what's going on. Please, just talk to me."

"I love you." It slips out before he realizes he's even thinking it and he struggles, tries to pull himself out of Jamie grip. Jamie doesn't let go. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Why are you apologizing?" Jamie sounds horribly confused, and didn't he _hear_ Tyler? He doesn't know what to say, keeps trying to pull out of Jamie's grip. "Tyler, _stop it_."

" _I'm trying_!" he shrieks. "I promise, I'm trying, Jamie, please don't hate me." Jamie moves him around so his back is to Jamie's chest and then gets him in a bear hug, holding Tyler's arms immobile. He's stuck. He goes limp, sagging back against Jamie and letting his head loll back onto Jamie's shoulder. "I’m trying," he says again.

"Trying what, Tyler?" Jamie asks.

"Trying not to love you," he all but whispers, hoping Jamie won't hear. Of course Jamie hears.

"Why would you be trying _not_ to love me?" Is he really going to make Tyler say it?

"You don't want me," he says confidently, hoping it'll sink into his own mind if he says it out loud.

"Ty," Jamie sounds confused and he loosens his grip on Tyler slowly, like he's ready to grab him again if Tyler tries to run. Tyler's too tired to run. The sooner they get this over with, the faster Tyler can start to heal from this. He doesn't even move from leaning against Jamie's chest, enjoying it while he has it. "Tyler, what exactly gave you the impression that I don't want you?" Jamie's voice is gentler now. Soothing. Tyler doesn't really know how to answer that. Jamie shouldn't want him. It would be easier if Jamie didn't want him- easier for Jamie, at least. But out of all the uncertainty, Tyler is sure of one thing:

"You never stay," he says. Jamie seems to be waiting for something else, but that's all Tyler has to offer. Jamie never stays. If he wanted to be with Tyler, he would stay.

"Let's go sit down," Jamie says firmly. He guides Tyler to the couch and sits down in the corner, pulling Tyler down to sit in front of him, back to chest, the same way they had been standing. He's relieved to not have to look Jamie in the face. He feels it against his back when Jamie takes a deep breath. "I never stayed because I didn't think you wanted me to." Tyler shakes his head in denial. That's too easy. That's an excuse. It can't be that simple. "No, Ty, listen. We said after that first time that it shouldn't happen again, but then it did and we never talked about it. I thought you wanted it to be casual. You never said anything else."

"Neither did you!" Tyler argues.

"Neither did I," Jamie agrees. "I wish I had."

"You're not gay," Tyler accuses. He's almost sure of that. He feels Jamie shrug.

"I don't know what I am," Jamie admits. "I just know that I love you."

Tyler loses the ability to breathe. He shifts, turns to look Jamie in the eye.

"No, you don't."

"I do. I love you." Jamie says it without a hint of hesitation. His eyes are determined and sure.

"You can't," Tyler argues. "You won't be happy with me."

"Why not?"

"Because you're supposed to get a girlfriend and get married and have kids."

"Who says?" Jamie asks defiantly. That makes Tyler pause. He switches tactics.

"We wouldn't be able to tell anyone."

"Not yet," Jamie agrees. "Doesn't change how I feel about you." Tyler turns around so he's facing Jamie head-on.

"Jamie, I can't give you what you want." He needs Jamie to get this. Jamie _has_ to understand. He can't give Tyler what he wants now and then take it away later when he realizes Tyler isn't enough. Tyler wouldn't be able to survive it.

"You don't have to _give_ me anything, Ty. I'm not trying to _take_ from you. I just need you by my side, like you have been from the moment we met."

"Jamie-" Tyler's at a loss. He feels like people have been taking from him for years, using him for money or fame or sex. "I don't-"

"Why are you trying so hard to talk me out of this?" Tyler knows the answer to that, at least.

"I'm scared," he admits easily. "I don't know what I'm doing and I'm gonna screw this up. I don't want to hurt you."

"You're not gonna hurt me, Ty. But apparently I've been hurting you this whole time."

"You didn't know." Tyler can forgive him for that. "I didn't _want_ you to know. I just want you to be happy."

"You make me happy."

"We can't tell anyone," Tyler reiterates. "That's gonna be hard."

"It will be," Jamie agrees. "But I think we can make this work." He reaches up and grips Tyler by the back of the neck- not hard, just enough to anchor Tyler. He relaxes under the touch. "We probably jumped into the sex too fast. We might need to pull back a bit and talk about some things before we do anything else."

"I'm kinda screwed up." With anyone else, Tyler would be afraid to admit this, but he trusts Jamie. Jamie would never make fun of him or hurt him on purpose. "I don't do relationships very well and I… freak out a little bit. You might have noticed."

"That's okay, Ty. You're not screwed up." Jamie pulls him down until Tyler's sprawled out over his chest, face hidden against his shoulder. "This is a learning experience for us both. We'll figure it out. We'll be okay."

"You think so?" Tyler asks, the tension draining out of him. He's left wrung out and exhausted and his eyes start slipping closed before he realizes it. He knows they're nowhere near good, and the coming days and weeks are probably going to be really difficult and exhausting, but all he can think is that Jamie _knows_ and Jamie says he _loves_ him and he wants to _try_.

"Yeah," Jamie agrees. "It's us." Tyler's not as convinced as Jamie, but this is worth it, he thinks. This is worth the pain if they can come through it on the other side.

"Love you," Tyler mumbles as he starts drifting off into sleep. He feels lips brush his forehead.

"Love you, Ty."

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Silence](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26308153) by [sarahpods](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarahpods/pseuds/sarahpods)




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